My mother is terminally ill and my brother isn't speaking to me?To make a REALLY long story...well...long: My mother is 62 years old and dying of kidney disease. I spoke to her yesterday and she said that her doctor told her that "things might happen sooner rather than later". I am planning on having her sign a waiver releasing her medical information to me so that I can learn why there isn't anything being done to help her, such as dialysis. She is living in an assisted living facility 4 hours away from me and 10 hours away from my older brother, who is in the Army and has a wife and 2 kids (plus one on the way) in Texas. (I am in Kansas, my mother is in Missouri.) She is in this facility not only because of her kidney disease...she also has a myriad of other health problems, including many that are psychological, and she has been unable to completely care for herself for several years. I am 24 now, but when I was about 19, my brother started a life insurance policy for my mother and wanted me to pay for half of it every month. I tried to keep up but at that time my boyfriend (now fiance) and I could barely make ends meet, we lived in a dump and struggled to even feed ourselves. So needless to say, I wasn't able to maintain my half of the payments and my brother decided that he couldn't/wouldn't pay for the entire policy himself. Since then we have barely spoken, and even though he has never come out and said that the insurance policy is the reason why, there's no other reason I can think of for him to be angry with me. He is a very odd person. Extremely intelligent, but cold and soooo stubborn. Our childhood with my mother (his father has never been a part of his life and my own dad and my mom split when I was 5) was not ideal...in fact, it was rather traumatic as my mother was a severe alcholic. Sometimes I get the feeling that he would rather pretend he doesn't have a sister, because it's painful for him. I feel this way mainly because he moved away and really doesn't keep in touch with anyone in our family but he has had "falling outs" with almost everyone because he's just like that...can hold a grudge forever and isn't very understanding or caring of anyone besides himself, his wife and their children. Since my mother's health really started to fail about a year ago, my contact with him has been limited to me messaging his wife on Facebook whenever I learn something new. He calls our mother, but very rarely, and about 6 months ago my SIL got very upset with me for not relaying a piece of information to them immediately. I say, well, maybe if he would call her more than once every couple of months he could keep up with all of this himself. But, whatever, I will continue to let them know any developments as I learn them and am going to send my SIL a message later today...but I really want my brother to call me. I think this rift between us has been there long enough and that if my mother is truly dying, she would want us to be at least on speaking terms...if not completely emotionally reunited.
How do I approach/confront him? I know it seems like it should be simple, "Call him" but as I said, he's very sensitive but he disguises it as indifference and he's likely to either not answer or deny having any issues, even though he has barely spoken to me in 5 years. I don't know whether to write him a long letter, or if it would be better to keep things simple, or if I should let him come to me...it's all so confusing, but something has got to give...
If you've taken the time to read this, I truly thank you...I know it's pretty heavy stuff, but I feel a little better just getting it out and I know people here give good advice.
Why am I trailor trash? Because as an independent teenager I was poor? LOL I now own my own home (a house, not a trailor) and have ALWAYS been 100% self supporting financially so EAT IT TROLL.
Posted by Leah's Mommy
I read the whole thing. That's a good idea, getting your moms medical records. I say write your brother a nice and long letter, and include a lot of stuff you put in this question. I think you're right; it's less painful to _have_ a sister right now.
Posted by shadowtalker1
It's as simple as this - You cannot change who people are and/or how they're going to react. If your brother is cold and closed-off (and clearly dealing - or not dealing - with his problems) there's nothing you can do about that.
However, you can change YOUR expectations about your brother and how YOU react to your brother. I can tell you now that even though the idea of being on speaking terms with your brother would be a nice wrap-up for your mom, it's not going to happen. Or, it won't happen on your terms and you'll find yourself embroiled in your brother's bad/absent behavior.
And the whole life insurance policy is a red herring - it was his idea and you did the best you could to keep up. Life got in the way and you weren't able to contribute like you could. So? Is that really a reason for your brother to shut you out? No, it's not and it clearly signals his mental problems. Love shoudln't be conditional, but it is for your brother.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I think all you can do is what you've been doing - keeping everyone posted as much as possible. But please - make decisions based on what YOU want. Don't worry how it's going to affect your brother - he's going to be unhappy one way or another and that's his problem/choice.
I wish you the best.
Posted by MoMmYoFaBaByBoY
write him a long letter and apologize and ask him to call you
Posted by Violet
This is a tough situation. I would say that your mother's best interest is what is most important right now. What she needs most is the support of her family, whether that's as a group or as separate individuals. You have obviously been supporting and helping her as best you can. Keep it up, even though it's hard. In the end, you will find that it was a rewarding and satisfying experience, and you will have no regrets.
Your brother should have the same chance to do what he can, regardless of whether or not he gets along with anyone else. She is his mother too, but I would say your only responsibility is to share information with him. Let him know your mother's condition as it seems to you. If she is OK with it, let him know what you find out from the medical records. If this means calling him or sending a message, then just do it. Don't let his reaction bother you. If you give him the information, then what he does with it is his choice. He's an adult. His relationship with your mother is his business, but if she wants him to know how she is and you are able to tell him, then do that for her.
Take it a day at a time. Savor every moment you have together. Tell her you love her. When the time comes for her to go, you will have the peace of knowing you did all you could and that you helped make her last days and weeks as good as they could be.
Take care, and God bless.
Posted by Bethany
I agree with Leah's Mommy. If your mom is mentally incapacitated she may not understand her medical rights, or options
As for you brother writing a letter is a great idea. Be sure there is no accusatory tones to it. Simply explain your feelings, and why you feeling the way that you are. Ask open ended questions; is there something you did/did not do, etc. In the meantime keep in close contact with the SIL. You don't have to pander to her, but you might as well keep a relationship with her and subsequently your niece/nephews.
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