Depressed elderly parent in retirement home - how to cope?I hope someone can give me some kind of help on this one because my sister and I have been wrestling with this issue for years and we cannot make sense of it. I'm at the end of my rope trying to understand - if I can understand, I can cope with the whole thing so much better.
Here's the problem: My mother is 79 yr old widow with severe health problems - massive heart disease, kidney disease, bladder cancer, diabetes just for starters. My sister and I and our children and husbands cared for her as long as we could in her own home but she was so weak that it took a team of five or six of us to rotate round the clock - she fell repeatedly and called 911, she was too weak to crawl from bathroom to bedroom, she was too weak to pull herself up from her chair to the pottychair which was right beside her-one of us would run from work to go pick her up from the floor or to the potty or from the potty back to bed. We did this for almost a year and a half --- more ----
until it became evident that it was creating alot of resentment between family members....
At this point we started looking at retirement homes. She didn't want to go but we knew we had to come up with some other arrangement.
We visited different homes, and finally found a nice one not too far from the dupex she rented from my sister. She naturally did not want to go to the home but knew there was no alternative and accepted it.
Since she has been there, her diabetes is under control because her food is prepared by a dietician and the staff is caring and very efficient. One daughter takes her to church and lunch out every Sunday and the other daughter takes her out every Wed to go shopping and any errands. She has her hair cut at the home, her nails done once a week, an array of activities like bingo, quiltmaking, art, three or four activities a day to choose from, and once or twice a week she is taken on a day trip with some of the other seniors....more.....
for trips to the library to museum trips or to the local schools to read to the children and even things like pier fishing and berry picking in good weather....
Of course she hates it. She complains about everything and everybody. No one does anything right to suit her. She refuses to go to new doctors so we take her back and forth to her original doctors which can run up to a half a tank of gas once a week.
I show up at the home with stringy hair that I haven't had colored in weaks, no more acrylic nails because I don't have the time or money to get them done anymore, I haven't even been to the dentist because I'm too busy running Mom around to the doctors. Since she's been in the home, she's had three different surgeries - every day she gives me a list of things she needs to have - as soon as I buy them, alot of times she doesn't EVEN use them....but has another long list of TO DO things....
I can't get my life back. I feel guilty to say no. ....more......
Most other family members have RUN not walked away from her since she went into the home.....so it is up to my sister and I to take care of her needs and as crazy as this sounds we are two grown women being run around like little girls to keep this woman happy....and no matter what is done, she finds fault with it and wants more....
HELP! I'm so torn by sorrow for her that she's ended up in a nursing home - that I can hardly cope myself anymore....
Can anyone help me to understand what is going on? I'm like a train wreck waiting to happen....
Thank you to anyone who can stand to read all this and has a clue what kind of situation is going on here....I'm 55 years old, raised two children, have a wonderful career, and cannot seem to get control of this situation.....
Posted by mister ed
you have a spoiled brat on your hands -- my niece is the director of nurses at the the local nurses home and we have long discussion on how certain patent's play their children == first have her doctor recommend a doctor closer to the home so he can response to emergency at the home -- next you and your sister have to start treating her like the spoil brat she has become and put her in her place!!! it is just a game to her but the game is killing you!!!!
Posted by ♥ Shortstuff ♥
Many children feel guilty when the day has come to put a parent into a nursing home. She's getting the around the clock care that she needs & it sounds as though she's doing much better. I think your mom is playing your sister & you, by being so demanding & constantly complaining. Don't allow her to lay a massive guilt trip on you or your sister. If you allow her to continue to do that, you'll end up feeling guilty for the rest of your life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have a life too & you have needs that have to be addressed. (time with family,hair & nail appts., etc.) Don't feel guilty about putting yourself first sometimes. Your sister & you need to sit down & have a talk with your mother. Tell her like it is, because that talk is long overdo. Remind her about all everyone did to care for her at home, & how hard it became to continue that routine daily. Allow your sister to express her feelings too. Don't candy coat any of your words. Be firm when talking to your mom & don't apologize for how you're feeling because of your mother's behavior & her demands. It needs to be said. Just remember, people will continue to hurt you & lay guilt on you as long as you allow it. You're not a doormat, so stop letting people use you as one. The people who should feel guilty are the family members who have abandoned her.
Posted by kestril68
You may have to seek some counseling on how to treat this situation. Perhaps her doctor or the head of the nursing home could give some advice.
Once you know what to do I think you need to be firm but still nice to your mother. She is going through hell with all her illnesses .
Posted by VA Queen
My sister and I have gone through a lot with our mother also. She is 81 with the same heart and diabetic problems in addition to extreme hearing loss and slow-growing brain tumors that affect her balance and her mental state.
After our dad died in 1997, all hell broke loose, and we found ourselves at the emergency room thirty times in one year because she'd over medicated or not medicated herself. She wouldn't cooperate with companion helpers, continued to drive, and it was routine for us to receive phone calls to come and pick her up because she was somewhere hallucinating. After three years, we finally found a doctor who would listen to us and had her evaluated for psychiatric conditions. She's now in an assisted living facility similar to what you describe.
You and your sister are going to have to bite the bullet and come to some agreements about what you can realistically do and still keep your sanity. Here are some of the things that we have done:
1. We make all appointments to fit our own schedules. If the nursing home schedules an appointment, they'd better have a way to get mom to it.
2. We take advantage of transportation provided by the assisted living facility. Most of them have vans to deliver patients to doctors' appointments at least once per week.
3. We limit our shopping trips for mom to no more than once per week.
4. There are transportation companies that cater to the handicapped. This can be expensive, but sometimes you have to spend money to save your sanity.
5. We have learned to say no once in a while. This is very difficult, but necessary. There are very few emergency errands. She has everything she needs to be well-fed and medicated at the nursing home. Knick-knacks, cosmetics, and clothing are not emergencies and can wait a few days until the next planned shopping trip. If your mom complains about your purchases, just tell her that you'll return the items next week when you go shopping again.
6. Call the other three siblings and give them choices of jobs to do for mom. Who knows? If they have specific assignments, they might actually follow through and help out. Sometimes people don't help because they haven't figured out what to do, or they think they'll get stuck doing it all.
I know how difficult this is. You want to do what's best for your mom, but there comes a time when you run out of energy. Sit down with your sister, and try to come up with a plan that will cut down on some of the running for both of you.
Posted by the bellepepper
You didn't say what your Mom was like before but if she has done a complete 180 then there may be some mental issues involved here. My own Mother is in a home under similar circumstances and it is a lovely place, just as the one you describe. Talk to her doctor and do it quick. Explain her behavior. My Mom suffers from a form of dementia and it takes form in her unreasonable behavior. She is rude and demanding and hateful at times. She says she has no friends but makes no effort to make any. She is moody and constantly reminds us that she never dreamed that she would end up where she is. It is a guilt trip that she puts on us and I don't think that she realizes sometimes how much she hurts us. If Mom was kind and thoughtful and undemanding before, then you need some professional help here. Please have her evaluated. There may be nothing that can be done for her and she may not change but for your own health, you and your sister must! It is time to take your lives back. And don't feel guilty about doing it. You do what you can for her and that is all that humanity can ask.
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